A little about me and my issues

Lately, my anxiety has skyrocketed through the roof.  I've tried using biofeedback to relax my tense body.  I've adde another SSRI to the one I already take.  Last night I even took half a Xanax.  Right now I'm supposed to be resting but I keep hearing Rainbow cry.  I know hubby is doing everything he can think of to help her, but she just keeps crying. And I catch myself laying here, my shoulders getting tenser and tenser! holding my breath! wanting to run out there to fix it.  I hear Sunshine whining because he can't stand her crying and he wants the same amount of attention we seemingly endlessly give her.

He thinks we don't love him anymore. That our love for him has been transferred to her.  And it kills me.  I see him and he's crushed. I know this is jealousy over a new sibling. I have nothing to compare it to. I'm an only child.  I wonder if this is why Sunshine's sensory problems have suddenly magnified. Clothing that never bothered him before is suddenly too rough and hurts him.  His bed is too rough. He's developed a terror of thunderstorms.  And volcanoes.  He has horrible nightmares that haunt him about me trying to throw him into a volcano.  "It's too hot, Mommy! It burns me! Please don't throw me in the volcano again!" he pleads with me.  I have to wonder what he thinks of me to believe me capable of doing something so horrendous to him.  No matter how I try to explain it was just a bad dream and not a memory of something that really happened, he keeps begging me not to do it again.

I know how stressful this is for me watching him go through this.  How much worse it must be for him to live it? Times like this I wonder if this is normal four (almost five-year-old) thinking and behavior or is it made worse by autism? Times like this I hate autism.  I love my son but I hate what makes life so damned difficult for him.