Hopes, Fears, and Anxieties

Sunshine started his first day of mainstream Pre-K today and I think I might be just a bit more nervous than he is.  The experiences he had at the summer program we had him in showed us unforeseen problem areas.  I still didn't think some of them would be a big issue this year at "regular school" until I started filling out the forms and permission slips I got at the Open House last Thursday.  One of them is just a tiny slip of paper authorizing Sunshine to walk with his class off school grounds to places of interest in the town.  Essentially they are mini field trips.  I remember going on field trips to the library, the hospital, and the post office when I was in Kindergarten (which is essentially Pre-K now) and I loved it.  Had we not had the experiences this summer, I would expect Sunshine to love them too but now I know better.

It took months for him to stop having nightmares and panic attacks about "getting lost" after we adjusted his schedule and he no longer walked anywhere outside the center with his summer class.  I'm so torn.  I don't want to hinder his growth and development.  I know stretching the limits of his boundaries is a good thing to some extent.  But where do we draw the line?  When does it go from being a positive, beneficial experience to being traumatic and causing harm?  And how and when did I become a helicopter parent?  Does it qualify as helicopter parenting if your kid has special needs?  Have I pushed him into "special snowflake" status?

It's the first day of school and I've already emailed his teacher twice.  TWICE!  And it's just after noon.  My kid has already come home with a "bad report."   I'm almost ashamed (ok, I'm REALLY ashamed) to admit that my kid was the one spitting at the girls in gym.  MY KID was the problem child who refused to cooperate during class and do what he was supposed to do.  I'm just beside myself.  How the hell do you control your child's behavior when you can't be there?  I really don't believe that punishments for behavior that occurred hours ago is effective, but I can't just let him believe that we're okay with his actions.

A part of me wants to come down on him and come down hard for this crap.  He KNOWS spitting is wrong and rude and disgusting. I talked to him briefly on the phone and tried to get him to explain to me why he acted the way he did, but I don't think he understands the question.  What's more, I'm afraid the answer won't be something we can fix - like he was on sensory overload - and instead it's simply because he's being defiant because he doesn't want to follow the rules.  I can't begin to tell you the number of times we have told him that life isn't always fair and you often have to do things you don't want to do because that's part of being a family or part of being a member of society.  We may not like them, but the rules are there for a reason.  So how do you get a smart, autistic kid to understand and and accept this?

Any ideas?

So Many Rainbows

This year - 2013 - is turning out to be such a happy year for rainbows in my loss group.  It's a weird kind of happy though because when you get pregnant again after a miscarriage, a part of you still mourns the baby that was while another part of you is excited and happy for the baby to come.

Certain dates are forever etched in your mind.  The date you found out you were pregnant, your due date, the day you learned about your loss, and sometimes the date of a D&C.  Then you have a whole new set of dates for the new baby and you don't know what to do when those other dates come around.  Do you openly mourn for the one you lost?  Then you're judged for being morbid or depressed and you're not a thankful pregnant woman (because God forbid you not be a happy, bubbly, shiny preggo!).  On the other hand, if you don't somehow acknowledge or feel a twinge of sadness at the passing of these dates, you feel like a monster - I mean, who just acts like everything is fine on the anniversary of losing a child?  It's confusing but one of the other moms posted a thought on Facebook the other day that the rest of us really liked:

"I believe that this baby was meant to be part of my life and

the other baby was meant to be part of my story."

So today I'm going to celebrate the positive - the rainbows meant to be part of our lives.  Today, the 10th rainbow in our little group will be born. The first rainbow to be born after my Rainbow came into my arms.  I can't wait to meet her (or at least see her picture)!  Happy Birthday, little girl :)

The Decision to Medicate

As a parent, there are so many tough decisions to make.  So many ways you can possibly screw up your kid(s).  There's a lot of backlash against the medical community, the pharmaceutical industry, and parents of difficult children.  And like most parents, until we were parents ourselves, Hubby and I were Judgy McJudgersons when it came to children being given drugs to alter their behavior.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  Maybe you've even had the thoughts a time or two yourself.

How can those parents live with themselves knowing they're putting toxic substances in their kid's bodies?  Their kid wouldn't need the drugs if the parents would just parent.  Kids just need to run and play and work off all that excess energy.  I don't see a real problem there.  The kid is just a brat who needs discipline (or a good spanking)!

And to all the people (parents AND children) I've judged, I'm so SO sorry.  Just know that Karma - bitch that she is - has bitten us in the ass and taught us a valuable lesson.  Unless you're living it, don't be so damned quick to judge or even have the arrogance to assume you could do better.  Maybe you could, but most likely not and it doesn't matter anyway.  That person you're so busy sizing up is doing the best he or she can.

It's with great humility and even greater thought and deliberation that Hubs and I made the decision to ask Sunshine's neurodevelopmental pediatrician for medication to help him sleep and to help with his anxiety.  For all of the progress he's made (and we're talking HUGE strides here), we've watched his overall level of anxiety ratchet up to the point that multiple daily meltdowns often resulting in him physically hurting himself and others were becoming the norm.  When he gets to that point, there is no reasoning with him and often trying to head off the meltdowns results in a 50/50 chance that it will just bring it on faster and make it last longer.

One of the factors that we took into consideration when deciding to go the medication route was knowing that sustained high levels of cortisol - the fight or flight hormone created when a person is in a state of anxiety - can cause major health problems.  This is a physiological problem and not one that can be solved by ABA or CBT.

If you're the parent of a special-needs kid and you're on the fence about trying medication, just know that you're not alone.  There are plenty of us out there who understand and those who don't aren't worth your time.